Man, since the beginning of December my life has been completely chaotic! I feel like I just can't catch up. Through the suggestion to my sister, I decided to do a throw up of words on my blog. By all means, I don't want my blog to be a downer or anything but this blog is me, all about me. Kinda like a journal, to keep track of things in my life. All that to say this will be a long one.
I just I'll start at the beginning of my craziness, which was the day before Josiah's birthday party. God revealed some dirty (not so little) secrets that Chris had been hiding. (I want to pause to say, what I found out isn't important, but if you feel the need to know just call me and ask me. I have no problem talking about it, but it's not necessarily something I want to post on my blog) Any way, it's something that we have been through before and I thought that we were past that stage in our lives so it pretty much blindsided me. Since then I've been fight my emotions and trying to figure out how I want to respond to the situation. I told myself that I wasn't going to give it any thought or anything until after Christmas, cause then last thing I wanted was to have a crappy holiday. So I just pushed it to the back of my mind. I focused on baking cookies and decorating the house anything to keep my mind and thoughts busy. Fast forward to a week before christmas, and I was super busy I had photo shoots and christmas plans, I hardly sat still. I was so busy I forgot to refill my prescription for my zoloft (which I've been on since I had Jocelyn because of post-pardum depression and I don't like to admit cause I don't want to feel judged.) BIG. MISTAKE. I'm on a pretty high dosage and I suffered from pretty horrible withdrawals. Especially Christmas day. It all hit me at once. I felt like my life wasn't worth living. That I would never escape the pain and sadness I was feeling. I ended up resorting to the way I used to deal (or not deal, really)
Now, I've back on my meds. But I'm still completely confused. I'm trying to just keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. Cause that's the only way I know I will get through the storm that I'm in. Just like Peter, if I take my eyes off of Him for just one second I will get distracted and sink.(A great example my mom shared with me out of her journal when she was going through a really hard time in her life) I feel completely empty and worthless, which is uncharacteristic of me. I hate it and I want change.
Chris and I have both decided to get counseling and therapy. I think it would be healthy for us. Although I really don't want to. He has been doing really great focusing on Jesus himself. And I have been talking to friends and family just getting different opinions and advise. With all of it I think I figured out some of the things I need.
Put God first. Trust in Him, cause He will always be faithful. Walk with Jesus on a DAILY basis. And focus on my walk with Him. Find out who I am. Find MY identity apart from Chris, cause I really don't know who I am without him. Find time for me. I need to be able to get away once in a while, just so I don't lose myself in my own life. Know that I'm not alone. I have family and friends that are there for me and I don't have to shut myself off from the world whenever I'm feel down. Know that I can only control me. I can't fix my marriage alone, I can't fight for it all by myself. And I have to learn to be okay with what Chris decides to do. If he really wants our marriage to work, he will change himself. I'm going to really be trying to focus on the things that make me happy and I'm going to set short term goals for myself. But I want this year to be the year of healing and restoration.
So, now I ask myself. How do I figure out who I am? I don't even know how to begin to answer that question. I don't want petty things, but deep meaningful things.But what are they?
Maybe, I'm asking the wrong question. So I can try it a different way.... so I could have an answer.
If I were to die tomorrow what to I want to be remembered for?Hmmm...I think I would like to be remembered as someone who was compassionate, forgiving, and understand. That strived to be like Jesus. I love my quirks, they make me who I am. I'm crafty and love that about myself. I am passionate about photography. I love cooking and baking and blogging. I love my children and would do anything for them.
Things I miss about myself.I used to be much more outgoing. I used to laugh more. I wish I had more drive and energy. I feel like I've gotten really lazy.
I just really want things to change. That's the bottom line.
Healing and Restoration. That's going to be my 2011.
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