Life

Weird things happen in life sometimes, things I never would have expected.

I've recently been in a whirlwind, and though it ended in more pain than I've ever felt before, I will survive, just like I always do when something crazy happens. I also learned a lot about myself. And about my relationship with Chris. I'm not going to get on here and publicly air out our "dirty laundry" But I never want to forget what I have learned.

I already knew that I fall in love with things quite quickly, I'm so happy cause something will "fit me" just right. Everything about it I LOVE, and I can't imagine life with out it. This happens a lot with me. Whether it be a new exciting hobby, or a new friend. What ever the case, nothing ever seems to last.

For example, back when I picked up crocheting and really fell "in love" with it, I was crocheting almost every waking minute. It completely consumed me, I was pretty much flat out obsessed. It got to the point I was crocheting so much I was in physical pain, my hands HURT. I had to take a break. And I was so sad about it. I even tried to work through the pain that was setting my hands on fire, but I just couldn't take it anymore. So I set it down and moved on to something new. I still love to crochet but its not something I am consumed with.

That pretty much explains most things in my life. I become obsessed. Consumed. In Love. But it always fades. I guess thats just life. But I've come to the conclusion that I completely where my heart on my sleeve.

My mother died in a car accident when I was 7 years old and after that, I pretty much hid my heart. I tucked it away deep inside so I would hurt so much, I always looked for a way out of the pain. Especially when it came to hurting other people. I would rather suffer silently than hurt anyone else. When I met Chris it wasn't exactly easy opening up to him. But he was patient and loving and worked me through the hard times. He loved me through whatever life threw at me. And I became stronger. I was finally able to connect completely with my emotions and actually express them.

Since then, I have worn my heart on my sleeve. I tend to just give it away to anything and anyone. What I need to find now is balance. I need to learn how to guard my heart, but not make it completely hard. I have too much love to share and to give that I sometimes feel I'll explode or something if I don't let it out.

Marriage is a funny thing. Sharing your life with another being, an individual that is their own person, can be quite complicated sometimes. For me, I fall in and out of love so easily, but the one thing constant in this season of my life, is Chris. Although we have had our very high highs and extremely low lows, we always get though everything together.

Funny, the thing that comes to mind is Disney's Pocahontas. The part where her and her dad are talking. He says to her,

"As the river cuts his path

Though the river's proud and strong

He will choose the smoothest course

That's why rivers live so long

They're steady ...

As the steady beating drum"

That's what Chris and I have. Although Pocahontas didn't agree and wanted something more. Chris is enough for me. There will always be things that come into my life that I won't be able to live without. But I could never ever ever imagine a life without him. 

I had a talk with my dad about everything that I have been feeling. Basically I knew I'm missing something but didn't know how to fill the void. He did and always will point me to Christ. At this point in my life, I know God is there, I know that He created and loves me. I know what He sacrificed for me. But I don't know much of anything else. I've always turned to God in my darkest times, and it seems as though He always gets me through them. I'm more or less just trying to figure things out for myself, the DETAILS of what a relationship with God really means. Believing something because I believe it, not because my dad will be mad at me if I don't believe the same things as him. Or because I've been told most of my life that certain things are right and certain things are wrong.

I know whats in my heart. And I know everything happens for a reason. 

I surely can't figure out what those reasons are though.

But I know one day I will understand. 

So until then, I will just keep pushing forward.

.Superlative Love.
That's what I want.
That's what I want to give.