my sweet Josiah

As I've said recently finding time to blog is next to impossible, or it could just be I've been way to lazy to sit down and blog. Either way I'm bummed that I have been lacking, not because I want readers or whatever but because I haven't been documenting my kids and our life.  I'm not going to apologize but instead I will just continue to do as I please :) Cause thats what makes the most sense. If I don't have time to sit in front of the computer to take the time to blog, well then so be it.

On that note, today I have a cute story about Josiah, it just about put me in tears.

This morning, as every morning, Josiah woke up and came into my room around 8:30 to talk to me. I lay there in bed and listen to him telling me everything that pops into his little head. Well, around 9am he hears the neighbor kids playing outside. He jumps up and down and tells me he HAS to get dressed. After a few trips back and forth to his room to get dressed and Jocelyn dressed and ME dressed, we finally headed outside.

By the time we got out there the neighbor kids had gone back inside. So Josiah and Jocelyn just started doing their own thing, finding stuff to play with. The neighbor kids ended up coming back outside, and Jo got super excited. He ran to me and ask "Mom, can I please go say, what's your name? Can I go play with my kid friends?"  "Sure, go ahead", I replied.

He walked slowly toward their yard. Then he just stopped and stared. I told him "Well go already, I'll be right back, I need to lay Jocelyn down for a nap."

When I came back outside, he was still standing off to the side just watching them. Mind you, these kids are older, like 9 or 10 years old. So the first pick for  playmate probably won't be a 3 year old, and there were like 4 of them so it's not like they need another companion. As I watched they all drifted back inside. And Josiah just stood there longing for someone to play with. Let me tell ya, MY HEART WAS BREAKING.

I called him over and asked him if he would play with me. Of course he was all for it, saying "Let's play baseball!!"

So although, I'm busy as all get out with editing I need to get done. I put aside my work to play with my son. And it was a great moment. Now as I sit here typing this story he is walking around with a Optimus Prime helmet on fighting with anything and everything. And I keep catching him staring over to the neighbors house, longing to play with them. He is such a sweet boy and he really needs some friends.

Bacon Wrapped Shrimp

Very simple. Very easy. Very yummy.

Quick yummy appetizer to keep your party entertained. 

Like most of what I do there isn't exact ingredients, its more of just winging it. To make as much as you want.

Ingredients I used (To the best estimation)

1lb of Shrimp (which turned out to be about 30 shrimp)

Package of Regular Cut Bacon, (NOT THICK, there were 12 slices)

Small tub of shipped cream cheese

Directions

1. Completely clean the shrimp, remove shells, tails, and devein.
2. Cut bacon strips in half.
3. Place the shrimp on the bacon. Be sure to place the shrimp with little opening of the 'C' faced down and also place it a little ways down from the top of the bacon strip, enough to where you can fold the bacon over the shrimp and cream cheese.
4. I then scooped probably about 2 tsp or so in the middle of the shrimp. You could put more or less depending on your taste preference..
5. ** Next time I make these I will be adding a chunk of jalapeño, cause I like the extra kick**
6. Fold the top flap of bacon over the shrimp and cream cheese then wrap the rest of the bacon around the shrimp. Once they are all rolled place seam side down on the grill or in a 425 degree oven. Turn occasionally and cook until the bacon is browned and crispy.
7. Boom. Enjoy.

October Life

So this past month has been a busy one, and this month is going to be even crazier. Shortly after moving to Seguin I started working at this adorable little craft store. I used to work at You're So Crafty about 2 or 3 years ago. I love working there, it gets my creative juices flowing :P I've also been booking a LOT of photo sessions! I mean, A LOT!! It's so awesome and encouraging. Especially when I have "regulars" lol I love developing relationships with my clients (which I think is a result of not getting a whole lot of interaction with anyone other than my kids) Any ways I love what I do, and my Awkward Eye business is EXACTLY where I want it to be. YAY!

Halloween this year one a fun one. The day started off a bit crazy, but ended great. The kids had so much fun. I was so busy pulling the wagon (Jocelyn's chariot) I couldn't really pull out my good camera while we were actually trick or treating. Josiah was so into it. He started telling people "You have any lollipops? I want a lollipop" It was too funny. Jocelyn had the treat or trick saying down. And they always said "Thank you" and "bye-bye" On the trick or treating route Jocelyn decided to dip into her candy stash and had chocolate all over her face. But I was still told by about 6 or 7 people that she was the cutest little thing they had seen for the night. 

Now that we are moving closer to the Holiday season(my favorite time of year) I will be busting out all my baking skills!!!!!!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE baking for people. I always bake a ton of cookies, pies and other treats for Chris to take to work. He has actually been telling me that people have been asking about my cookies. lol I told him tell them I don't really start my baking until November. It will just be a matter of balancing my photography stuff, mom stuff, working at the craft store, and baking my heart out. hehe

Oh and GREAT news!! My sister will be due at the end of this month!! And I will be flying up the second week in December with Jocelyn to go visit my little baby niece, Hannah Ryann.

Le sigh. Life is good. And although sometimes it feels like there is just too much, or things I can't handle, I always end up making it though. And now I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I've got to thank my husband for that. Even though we could probably kill each other at times, he is my best friend in the whole world and there is no one else that I think could handle my craziness. <3

Taking time

A lot has been happening in my life lately. To start we moved to Seguin, into my inlaws house. Its a big change but we are welcoming it so we can move forward with other things in our life. Lots of people have been asking if i like it or not. And I can honestly say I really enjoy being here. We spend so much time outside. I was so cooped up in my apartment and also not being alone all day is great. Cause I tend to get depressed when I'm alone to much. Plus my kitties are much happier, although I'm very sad to announce that since me moved my Sadie baby has disappeared.

I have been able to play A LOT of baseball with Josiah, which is all he ever seems to talk about. He is so full of energy and it has been so great letting him burn all the energy and sleep so well.

Jocelyn loves playing so much that we have been forgetting to put her down for her naps during the day.

I'm still loving my hair. I get quite a bit of people giving me strange looks and surprisingly I've had several people ask me "why would you do that to your hair?" With an incredibly shocking look on their faces. But to each their own. I like my hair and my dreads are slowly  beginning to take their shape. I've been having a bit of trouble with some of them trying to come together at the roots. With time and a bit of work they will come out just fine.

All in all, I've been spending a ton of time with my kiddos and haven't had or really felt the need to make time to blog. Guess thats the beauty of have a personal blog. I do what I want ") So until next time.

.

Almost 8 weeks

Balance

So I'm in this weird stage in my life where I'm trying to figure out how to balance all the things I have going on. Seriously I don't know how some people do it. If I had to work a regular full time job on top of everything else, I think I would go nuts. I'm also trying to figure out who to maintain friendship with everything else. Is this just a stage in life where I don't have time to hang out with girl friends? Is that normal? Is it okay?  I need girl friends in my life but its hard to make time. I feel so busy with everything else. And at the end of the day, I just want to sit on my couch and relax. Le sigh. How do I find that balance?

Current project

Just a quick sneak peek of what I'm working on currently.

Courtney Brims

Check out her work its so beautiful. I have fallen in love. I definitely need some of her art for my walls.

http://www.courtneybrims.com/

A Hundred Thoughts

Random thoughts from throughout the day Continued...

16) I love Lucky Charms.
17) Baking is my favorite.
18) These cupcakes are going to be most delicious.
19) Can't wait to see my sister.
20) I'm hungry.
21) I hate headaches, grrr.
22) Why?
23) I need new furniture.
24) I should roll my dreads again.
25) I tired.
26) Why is Jocelyn always taking off her diaper?
27) What next?
28) Le sigh.
29) I like my phone.
30) I should take a shower.

Oh Silly Kitties

A hundred thoughts

Random thoughts from throughout my day.

1) I don't want to wake up yet.
2) English breakfast tea, yum.
3) I hate washing dishes.
4) I need more cereal.
5) I need to buy more waffles.
6) How long is Jocelyn going to sleep.
7) I think I might take the kids to the park.
8) Why is it so dang hot?
9) Please stop whining.
10) It stinks.
11) Josiah's so silly.
12) Where are my dang tums?
13) I need some red gatorade.
14) Dinner is going to be so good.
15) I want a yummy salad.

TO BE CONTINUED....

Self

I'm getting my focus back to the things I love. Yesterday I spent the evening knitting. Or RE-knitting. I had been working on this project for the "paying it forward" thing, I left it sitting on the couch one day while I went to the restroom. When I got back Josiah had pulled out all the needles and part of the stitching in one spot.

 Being that I had been having the most terrible week of my life, I was crushed. I called Chris crying, told him I was really upset with Josiah that nothing in life was ever going to work. A bit dramatic I know but hey, I'm a very emotional woman, what can I say.

Turns out some things can be fixed. I pulled out all my hard work down to where Josiah had not messed up the stitching. Then I put it back on my needles and kept working at it. Somethings in life can be repaired it just take time and effort.

I'm also focusing back on my photography. I really haven't taken much pictures lately. So I'm very excited about traveling to Houston with a fellow photographer friend of mine (Ashtin Paige), she has a wedding to do and I get to tag along.

I've also decided to start trying to do self portraits more often. Being that since I'm usually behind the camera I usually am not in a whole lot of photos. So not to be completely self absorbed but I'll leave you with some of my self portraits.

Protection, its a funny thing.

Being protected by someone can be a dangerous thing. As a child, you are protected by a parent, grandparent, or someone loving in your life. Most of these guardians will do what they can to guide you into making the correct decisions, to try and protect you from hurt and pain. They will fail sometimes. Thats just life. And sometimes there are just some things you have to figure out for yourself. Eventually there will come a time where you grow into your own person to make your own decisions about life. Although they will be there to offer their wisdom and protect you when you ask, you don't completely depend on them anymore. You have to learn from life and hurt and pain to become your own person.

As a wife, you are protected by your husband. You let him protect you to show him respect. He typically will do what he can to guard you from hurt and pain. Sometimes he fails, for some, he always fails. Sometimes there are things you just have to figure out for yourself.

My question is, as a woman who is made to love, to receive love, who survives off of love, what's to much protection? And what do you do when the person "protecting" you lets you down over and over again. How is that trust rebuilt?

I think that trust and respect run (somewhat) hand in hand. I think you can respect someone to an extent, but if they repeatedly break your trust and lie over and over again, you won't or can't fully respect them. How long does it take to heal? Will it ever heal? Will you ever trust them again? Or will you have that nagging feeling in your heart forever?

I've dealt with a lot of hurt, as most people probably have. I've learned to just keep carrying through life, cause that's what you are supposed to do right? Just let the people you love most in the world hurt you over and over again. The point is to stand strong and get through it with head held high, right? To learn and grow from each experience? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Eventually the love and trust will return. One day.

Just have to focus on the good things and the rest will just blur into something you don't recognize.

Eventually.

Not giving up is the important thing.

Green Eggs and Ham

Nothing can warm my heart like reading books with Josiah. We usually end up reading the same books over and over again. Green eggs and Ham is one of them.

Reading is definitely my favorite part about bed time. But my favorite part about reading books to Josiah is when I finish reading and it's his turn to read to me. He always tells me "Lay down, Mom. I need to read to you."  I love to listen to his little mind working remembering certain parts that I read to him. Making connections to the pictures to what he remembers me saying. "Sam-I-Am," he says. "You like ham and green eggs? Not in a car. Not a fox." He is just so cute. Makes my heart melt with joy. I have been blessed with beautiful children who love listening to me read as much as i love reading to them. I'm a lucky woman.

Conversation that soothes

"The superlative love you seek is here. Its being worked on....

The answer is right in front of you,

With your loved ones,

Your kids, your family, and your husband

How many times have we fallin in and out of love?

But yet, when we fall back in love ITS STRONGER THAN IT WAS BEFORE.

You are my best friend. My confidant, My shoulder, My heart, My soul, My mind, The very reason I love is because of you.

That in itself is superlative.

Let me give it to you,

Its yours to take.

The things that happen to us, build character.

Its what makes us, us. The troubles we face aren't who we are.

The man I am is the man who will do anything for his family. 

Who will fight till I die to make sure you have everything you need.

I love you, Always will,

In this life or the next.

You are my soul mate.

The love we have for each other is mature.

We fail, we make mistakes,

But through it all we love each other

Please take my hand, Let me hold you up, let me walk you through this, I will be right there when you feel like your going to fall, to pick you up again.

Thats the kind of love I have for you.

My love surpases my own understanding.

I dont know why I love you the way that I do.

Actually I do know,

we are meant for each other.

You know my faults,

you know my lies,

you know my heart,

my dreams

Just like I know your dreams.

I will help you find solace.

Happiness you have, Solace you need.

We will both find solace together.

I belive in YOU! I KNOW you can do it."

-Christopher Brent Santos

He always knows just what to say.
I love you ♡

Tea and Toast

Some things in life are just that simple.

Feeling anxious is usually not the most fun thing in the world. Unfortunately it is an emotion most of us feel. How we feel it and to what degree, I guess just depends on the person. 

As I bare my soul here please don't judge.

In the past I have suffered from depression and anxiety issues. Most I'm told have stemmed from post-pardum depression. But me knowing myself, I think it may have stemmed from the death of my mom. That is kinda besides the point. My problem is I'm trying to find a natural solution to my prominent anxiety and mild depression. It's something that is very hard to admit cause I don't like feeling judged and I don't want everyone shoving their opinions down my throat. I just want a way to make the anxiety pains and sadness go away.

I've been on anti-depressants and they did help, but I was kinda void of all ranges or emotion. I felt somewhat numb. I guess that's better than feeling depressed or anxious but I still didn't feel like me. I don't know how to pin point what triggers my emotions in such a way. I just wish I had more control. 

When I was 15, I started going to church and became a "born-again" Christian. Saved. Since then I've been told by other people whats right whats wrong. What I should believe, what I shouldn't believe. ETC... 

At this point I know God exist but as I said in a recent blog post, I'm trying to sort out the details for myself. Everyone, EV-ERY-ONE has their own beliefs. They all think that they are the correct ones and that the other people who don't believe like them are wrong. I know God exist because He has done some amazing things in my life. What if it were just that we all have our own understanding of God. And everyone was cool with that.  God is love, so why can't we be the same. Why can't things just be that simple? 

Well, being the way I was told to believe, being a christian we should have self control. We have no reason to be depressed because we have been saved and are loved by God. What I don't understand, is why we basically aren't allowed to be human. I don't really know where I'm going with this. I'm just jotting down thoughts so I can go back and read them later. 

I wish things were just as simple as a cup of tea and slice of toast to make things lovely.

I keep asking myself the same questions over and over again. Am I a bad person just because I don't live the way religious people tell me to? Why can't things be simple and people just love.  Am I a bad person cause I sometimes just can't handle my kids? Am I a bad person because its hard to not give up on certain people in my life? Am I a bad person because I long to be happy? 

We are human. We are going to struggle. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things. THIS is mine. 

Love alone is not enough

"You may remember how the Beatles sang, "All you need is love." I absolutely disagree with that conclusion. Five out of ten marriages today are ending to divorce because love alone is not enough. Yes, love is vital, especially for the wife, but what we have missed is the husband's need for respect. THis book is about how a wife can fulfill her need to be loved by giving her husband what he needs- respect."

-Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

This is the beginning of the introduction of the book Love & Respect. My Dad bought it for Chris and I for our birthday last month. I picked it up for the first time today. Seems like its going to be a really good book. Maybe I'll find something that's missing.

Thanks Dad, maybe this will help us really figure things out.

That about sums it up.

"I'm not alone, I wish I was.

Cause then I'd know, I was down because

I couldn't find, a friend around

To love me like, they do right now.

They do right now.

I'm dizzy from the shopping malls

I searched for joy, but I bought it all

It doesn't help the hunger pains

and a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate

Something's missing

And I don't know how to fix it

something's missing

And I don't know what it is

At all

When autumn comes, it doesnt ask.

It just walks in, where it left you last.

And you never know, when it starts

Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart:

Something's missing

And I don't know how to fix it

something's missing

And I don't know what it is

At all

I can't be sure that this state of mind, is not of my own design

I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness.

For loneliness like this.

Something's missing

And I don't know how to fix it

Something's missing

And I don't know what it is

No I don't know what it is

Something's different

And i don't know what it is

No I don't know what it is"

-John Mayer

I need change.

That is all.

Writing...

I've always been a bit of a "writer" inspired by my sister at after my first "break up" She suggested that I start writing in a journal to help get my feelings out, or written down for that matter. 

When I was about 15 I started attempting to play guitar(following the footsteps of my father) and I always WISHED I could write my own songs. NOT a skill that I've ever had.

Then I met CHris and all of it kinda came together. He is terrible a getting ideas started and put together (as far as words go) But he has the guitar skills that I lack.

All that to say, we write music together. It's a bit of a battle being that we both a very strong in our ideas and butt heads quite a bit. But the end product is always well worth it, in my opinion. He puts up with my criticism and I try to be patient. Although he is never satisfied, being a perfectionist/musician. I still love what we write together. 

Further From Level Ground

My world's been flipped upside down

What once made sense sense has now been lost, and can't be found

My heart longs for something new

My mind only thinks of you

You have my heart, you have it all

Just one step and then I'll fall 

Further from level ground

When things make sense, the world goes 'round

My head is spinning, my heart is singing

All I want is you

Look into my eyes

You will see the truth

My love for you runs deep

Deep within my soul

Thats the start of what we wrote this evening, maybe we actually record it one day.

Life

Weird things happen in life sometimes, things I never would have expected.

I've recently been in a whirlwind, and though it ended in more pain than I've ever felt before, I will survive, just like I always do when something crazy happens. I also learned a lot about myself. And about my relationship with Chris. I'm not going to get on here and publicly air out our "dirty laundry" But I never want to forget what I have learned.

I already knew that I fall in love with things quite quickly, I'm so happy cause something will "fit me" just right. Everything about it I LOVE, and I can't imagine life with out it. This happens a lot with me. Whether it be a new exciting hobby, or a new friend. What ever the case, nothing ever seems to last.

For example, back when I picked up crocheting and really fell "in love" with it, I was crocheting almost every waking minute. It completely consumed me, I was pretty much flat out obsessed. It got to the point I was crocheting so much I was in physical pain, my hands HURT. I had to take a break. And I was so sad about it. I even tried to work through the pain that was setting my hands on fire, but I just couldn't take it anymore. So I set it down and moved on to something new. I still love to crochet but its not something I am consumed with.

That pretty much explains most things in my life. I become obsessed. Consumed. In Love. But it always fades. I guess thats just life. But I've come to the conclusion that I completely where my heart on my sleeve.

My mother died in a car accident when I was 7 years old and after that, I pretty much hid my heart. I tucked it away deep inside so I would hurt so much, I always looked for a way out of the pain. Especially when it came to hurting other people. I would rather suffer silently than hurt anyone else. When I met Chris it wasn't exactly easy opening up to him. But he was patient and loving and worked me through the hard times. He loved me through whatever life threw at me. And I became stronger. I was finally able to connect completely with my emotions and actually express them.

Since then, I have worn my heart on my sleeve. I tend to just give it away to anything and anyone. What I need to find now is balance. I need to learn how to guard my heart, but not make it completely hard. I have too much love to share and to give that I sometimes feel I'll explode or something if I don't let it out.

Marriage is a funny thing. Sharing your life with another being, an individual that is their own person, can be quite complicated sometimes. For me, I fall in and out of love so easily, but the one thing constant in this season of my life, is Chris. Although we have had our very high highs and extremely low lows, we always get though everything together.

Funny, the thing that comes to mind is Disney's Pocahontas. The part where her and her dad are talking. He says to her,

"As the river cuts his path

Though the river's proud and strong

He will choose the smoothest course

That's why rivers live so long

They're steady ...

As the steady beating drum"

That's what Chris and I have. Although Pocahontas didn't agree and wanted something more. Chris is enough for me. There will always be things that come into my life that I won't be able to live without. But I could never ever ever imagine a life without him. 

I had a talk with my dad about everything that I have been feeling. Basically I knew I'm missing something but didn't know how to fill the void. He did and always will point me to Christ. At this point in my life, I know God is there, I know that He created and loves me. I know what He sacrificed for me. But I don't know much of anything else. I've always turned to God in my darkest times, and it seems as though He always gets me through them. I'm more or less just trying to figure things out for myself, the DETAILS of what a relationship with God really means. Believing something because I believe it, not because my dad will be mad at me if I don't believe the same things as him. Or because I've been told most of my life that certain things are right and certain things are wrong.

I know whats in my heart. And I know everything happens for a reason. 

I surely can't figure out what those reasons are though.

But I know one day I will understand. 

So until then, I will just keep pushing forward.

.Superlative Love.
That's what I want.
That's what I want to give.

pretty kitties

Chicken Crescent Casserole

Ingredients:

2 Chicken Breast cleaned and cubed and seasoned with 

Chili Powder, Garlic Powder, Onion Powder, Black Pepper, Salt

2 Roma Tomatoes

2 SMALL Jalapeños (or Bell Pepper if you don't like heat)

8oz. Cream Cheese Spread

About 3/4 Cup Shredded Cheddar Cheese

2 Cans of Pillsbury Big & Flaky Crescents*** 

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350°

In a medium skillet heat about 2 Tbsp of oil, cook chicken.

Dice tomatoes and jalapeños.

in a 8x8 pan lay the crescents all across bottom, pinching together all seams and pushing about an inch up the sides. 

Then spread your cream cheese over the dough. 

Add our Chicken, tomatoes, and jalapeños. Then add Cheddar Cheese.

Top with more of the crescent dough, pinch seams closed again and pushing down the sides to seal the side seams too. 

Bake for about 20 minutes until the top is golden brown.

*** I didn't end up using all of the crescent dough. I only used 6 triangles from each can. Six for the top and six for the bottom.

ALSO! Be sure to use a NON-stick pan ")